A wake up call, the truth hurts.
From the day we knew each other to the sweet messages and phone calls you made, chats during the night, tiny caring actions, holding hands, surprises we gave each one another, sacrifices we've made, meals we've had, things we did and places we went together, occasions we've celebrated, fights and quarrels we've had, obstacles we've been through, difficult times together, jealousies we've had, hurt and pain we've caused each other etc.. Ever since we broke up and patched back, I did realized you've changed alittle. It takes time for sure! But as time passes, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second, you are changing again.. I know my attitude, tendrum and temper can be very bad at times, as you knew it long ago. I don't blame you for anything, but we're drifting apart, slowly.. When I fall, where were you? At times when I'm really stuck in a corner, where were you? You just asked me to cheerup saying you can't do anything. When I told you I broke down, then you chose to help me. When I didn't told you anything, you thought everything would just be fine, and saying that you cannot do anything, what's this? What's a boyfriend for? You asked me to take as you're already extinct, but have you ever thought of how I really feel inside out? My heart aches deeply.. I want you to know how's the feeling inside me, it's unexplainable. So I told you, since you asked to take as you're already extinct then I'm sorry, we'll rather separate. You walk yours & I'll walk mine. Every night, you will send me sweet messages, long enough before you get to bed, or even wait for me late at night to call you and chat till I fall asleep. But every now and then, you didn't tell me anything before you sleep, you just send a message saying that you're getting to bed and yeah, I'm all left alone. Okay, since everything turns out this way, I will stop asking you to love, care, concern, trust, believe in me etc. I had enough already, totally full of nonsense. I'm ranting it out here, because I've totally no one to turn to, no listening ears at all. I'm sorry, sometimes all things must come to an end. I rather fall and pick myself up. I'd rather rely on myself and no one else, survive alone from now on. All that I had believed, trusted, and lived seemed to turn upside down, inside out ; A total disaster. My world came crashing down. I had mixed emotions. Confusion clouded my mind. Sadness, pain and hurt overwhelmed me. My heart was bleeding profusely. I have to bare all the consequences till today, when I totally broke down. Every cause has its effect and every effect comes from a cause. I did not dare seek understanding from anyone all these times because I don't know how to express the feelings I'm going thru. I stood all by myself and it weighed on me like mountains on my peptite frame. I felt like dying everyday of my waking life. Like reading a book, chapter by chapter, page by page, line by line, word by word. I used to be just like any other girl down on the streets, day-dreaming about long-lasting relationship. One that will sweep me off my feet, spin me around and send me flying thru the clouds on a magic carpet ; One that will withstand all kinds of weather and brave thru all obstacles and fight against all opposing parties. A love that is truly madly deep.. I dreamed, I yearned and I sought. It leaves pain in my fragile heart and pushes tears of anguish out of my eyes. Love is 'bout the moment and moments never last. No one told me love could be this toxic. My emotions had practically consumed my soul. It came to what seemed like a dead-end with mist and fog. What happened to the virtues of love? I thought love was being truthful, trustful and faithful to one another? I thought love was doing your best and giving your all for the one you love just to make him/her happy & blissful? I thought love means striving for a better, more comfortable and much happier future for both parties? What's love?! It turned out that whatever pre-conceived notions I had about love was all wrong. That's when I slowly opened my eyes to the truth and reality, I was supposed to see, if only then I hadn't been so stubborn, to look at things as it was and accept it, like how it says, look at things as it is, not what it should be. I was physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally screwed up! The very much unbearable pain, it was excruciatingly painful & torturing. At least the physical heartwrenching pain attacks were gone for now. I savoured that moment of blankness and darkness in my mind, body and soul. I've no one to turn to now. Who can I turn to when the only one who can dry my tears is the only one who makes me cry. I'm left with nothing. All gone.. Yes, to understand the present, study the past. To see the future, analyze the present, but how am I gonna analyze it? When everything I do got screwed up, messed up, fucked up?! I'm pretending that nothing has happened, running away from reality. It definitely helped me cope better, since facing it caused me hell lot of pain ; which was unbearable. Things just got worse whenever I think back. Feeling blue when I'm trying to forget the feeling that I'm missing him. Feeling green when the jealousy swells and it won't go away in dreams. Feeling yellow when I'm totally confused deep inside, complicated. Feeling fine when that smile of his creeps into my mind. Feeling black when I think about all things that I feel I lack of. All I can say is ; Life is like a movie, but it isn't movie. Everything has it's place & time, and everything happens for a good reason. Regret first before taking actions.
Bye for now ;
Off to audition wedding. <3
Pewpew ftw <3
/ - Editted ;
Me & Aldonza's wedding, passed! <3
